Unresolved Issues in Family Caregiving
By Kristine Dwyer, LSW and
Douglas Heck, PhD
The phone call came on a misty Sunday morning. Mary’s mother had fallen at home and was hospitalized with severe injuries. Mary and her sister were
contacted by their elderly father and a social worker
and encouraged to return home to help their aged parents
make medical decisions, straighten out financial and
legal matters, and find home care services. They were
called to be caregivers yet found themselves facing this
role with great apprehension and mixed emotions as they
considered stepping back into their parents’ lives.
Memories of a difficult childhood and stressful
relationships had led the family to years of
estrangement. At this point, they looked for guidance
and answers to the dilemma they faced.
Unfortunately, this scenario is a common one. We have often assisted caregivers with this dilemma and would like to offer
some insights to help those of you who may be facing
caregiving with great uncertainty.
First, please know that you are not alone. Many caregivers across the country find themselves having mixed feelings about caring for their parents. Some of
these emotions arise from the natural concern about how
best to provide care without adversely disrupting one’s
own busy life. However, it is also very common for
caregivers to have even stronger feelings, such as
shame, bitterness, and anger as they try to cope with
the caregiving needs of elderly parents that have caused
family issues to arise.
Our relationship with our parents may suddenly be in a state of change and as we age we are often called from our role of a child to take on a parental or
authoritative role. It is important to be aware of the
possible dangers of unresolved issues and identify the
feelings that have come forward through this situation.
This time of transition can cause strong yet dormant
emotions to surface and open old relationship wounds. If
we are not aware of these feelings, we may be at risk of
inadvertently targeting our vulnerable parents with our
anger. Sometimes, if unresolved issues and
associated strong emotions are ignored, our ability to
provide good care can become compromised. We may become
less gentle, supportive, or empathic in our care. We may
also become avoidant, or respond more slowly to our
parents’ needs. In more severe situations, angry
caregivers may unknowingly seek revenge or cause harm,
which is dangerous for both the caregiver and parents.
It is important to decide whether to try to resolve issues with parents, or leave the past alone. This can be a difficult decision, but an important one.
Admittedly, facing past issues can be very complicated
and attempts to reconcile differences may only add to
one’s own personal pain or disturb a parent’s overall
well-being. At this point you may decide to NOT try to
resolve issues, do your best to provide good care, and
develop some ways of coping with your own mixed
feelings. In many cases, this is the best choice to
make.
If you realize that your feelings will keep you from providing good care and having a positive relationship with your parents, then it may help to sit down and
directly discuss your feelings with them. In some
situations, it is better to write a letter to your
parents, followed by a discussion. In our experience,
this kind of discussion has often led to a resolution of
issues, has freed those involved from their feelings and
resulted in a much more meaningful relationship.
The act of caregiving alone can sometimes bring about the healing of emotional wounds from the past. Providing direct or indirect care for a vulnerable parent can help
bring closure to unresolved issues. Anger can
sometimes be replaced by understanding, compassion, and
perhaps forgiveness. Peacefulness can overcome
bitterness, which can then lead to a beneficial and
healthy experience for both parents and family
caregivers.
Caregiving, in spite of mixed feelings, can be accomplished successfully in several ways:
* Accept what is. Acceptance of the current circumstances and reasonable expectations of one’s ability to be a caregiver are crucial steps.
* Feelings and memories can intensify during the caregiving process. Be aware of your limits and seek professional assistance, such as counseling, if needed.
* Develop healthy ways of managing your emotions. Find a release, such as a walk, a good cry, journal writing or expressing your
frustration to a close friend.
* Ask yourself what you are realistically willing and able to do in regards to the care of your parents, given how you feel about them.
* Delegate other tasks and needs to those who are able to serve in the caregiving role such as other relatives, neighbors or friends,
especially if you are a long distance caregiver.
* Seek out community resources through social services, churches, senior volunteer organizations, Area Agencies on Aging and family
caregiver support programs.
* Remember that asking for help is a sign of strength.
In summary, many of us find ourselves faced with mixed emotions toward providing care for our parents. These feelings
may be mild or more severe and perhaps based upon years
of past family conflicts. Whether you decide to resolve
the issues or not, providing positive care for your
parents is the goal. Many caregivers have used this time
in their lives to address difficulties which can then
hopefully lead to reconciliation, healing and a more
meaningful caregiving experience.
Douglas G. Heck, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist with
the Duluth Psychological Clinic in Duluth, MN. He
specializes in working with clients with chronic
illness, and their spouses and families.
Kristine Dwyer, LSW is the Caregiver Consultant for Carlton County Public Health in Cloquet, Minnesota
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